Simply...The EU...: ...a guide for the bewildered
Take your time. Your feelings need not function like an on-off switch. I am not sure what else to say. Having a conversation without first clarifying your own feelings might be a misstep. I realized that people do not have open conversations for these main reasons [including sentences that characterize certain thought patterns]:. So they call it quits. So they keep delaying the chat. Eventually, things blow-up. So they prefer to opt out rather than make themselves transparent.
So as a self-protective and preemptive measure, they get out of the relationship before learning about the truth. Regardless of what the reasons might be for not having open conversations, relationships cannot last in any meaningful manner if such conversations do not take place. In the absence of such conversations, one chooses to live with assumptions and illusions. I saw this post after addressing the one below. The things you are saying and the suggestions are a tremendous help.
Your last few sentences in your post say it all. You said, he backed right off when he found out his medical condition was not reversible and I can see where he is coming from there. I think you have a couple of choices here, you can do a limited friendship with him on his terms and stay hopelessly in love accepting crumbs or, you can go NC and grieve the loss of him how ever long it takes and move on.
He knows how much I love him and the more I love him and try to effect a change, the more he is distancing himself because it increases his feelings of inadequacy. I know he does love me deeply as a person and has told me over and over verbally enumerating the qualities he loves.
But I need more. Am I giving myself excuses? So, I will give him the rest of this week. Thanks, Pauline. Even when the guy is not an AC, it is hard to get that distance from what you want and what you can be given. Do you not think that maybe he is just as confused and he may be hoping that you would take the step to explain things to him and why you are going NC? I feel that he does not understand your actions and why you are taking the necessary steps and maybe he wants to see some action of your side too?
I know that closure is something we should give ourselves, but perhaps it would help it you talked everything over anyway? Thanks for your post. Days ago when he was concerned about me he sounded so kind and cheerful on the phone asking me to let him know that I was ok. He had no idea I was trying to instill NC. Whatever is stirring around in his head about the two of you is his to resolve now. He knows exactly where you stand. My best advice would be to do nothing. Look after yourself first. No NC, which never was, anyway.
Before lauching into my own story I wanted to address yors. I agree with your decision to opt out in your case because your guy grabbed the opportunity to find differences and disappeared for 10 days rather than talk to you. Anyway, I hope that your decision is the right one for you and you will not have second thoughts or wish later on that things could have been different. On one hand, I regret dating the ex. In the past five months, I have learned so many life-changing lessons about relationships thanks to Natalie and BR posters.
I see this as a huge gain. It has taken me five months to get here but I no longer have second thoughts about him. I feel foolish for opening up to him. He did not deserve to learn about things that matter so much to me. Oh well. I am glad he is out of my life. I also have no doubts about my decision not to date and no longer feel that all-consuming desire for sex — any sort of closeness is making me feel uncomfortable at this stage of my life.
Who would believe unless they log onto this blog, that it can be such a powerful benefit to us in the most personal ways. Goes to show that negative experiences can enlighten us to very positive feelings about ourselves, that we neither had nor were aware of prior. That old reminiscing bug bit me.
Deal or no deal? EU bewildered by Brexit confusion - BBC News
Great post, and as many others pointed out here, just in time for many of us. I have good news and I wanted to share it here. I have finally got a job! I have been AWOL for a while from BR, but that is due to working hard on the applications and interviews — which helped. It is not the job I really wanted, but I will be working nonetheless, and that is a great victory over my previous despair. He is a cheating, pathological liar and does not deserve any more of your time or efforts. I think that you should get your stuff from his place pronto, honey, and then block him for good.
I know you are much too strong and you can pull through it. It may seem like forever right now, but there will be a time when you can look back and focus on what you learnt rather than what you miss. I recently got an email from my ex. Remember I had blocked him everywhere? I got one of my friends to read it instead and she said it was not worth reading because it had nothing new in it — I really have heard it all.
JustHer, thank you for encouraging words!!! Very pleased for you, congratulations! I am sure your new job will take your mind off from AC; All the best x. This post ties in well with idea that many of us waste too much time trying to understand the behaviour rather than just getting the hell away from it.
Case closed. Too much time is wasted on these selfish asses. If someone who is supposed to care about you is treating you in a way that you would never consider treating a stranger — even on your worst day — then why would you even want to be with this kind of person? As the relationship became more serious, I think our difference started to affect our ability to not only meet each others wants and needs but also find common ground.
Nigella, loved the list, it really articulated what I think most people are looking for in a relationship. That was a huge problem. But one of the most important things I learned on BR is that I put too much stress on having similar views on certain things while not recognizing that my ex and I had HUGE and irreconcilable differences about what we valued most in life and more fundamentally how we approached life.
Every one of our epic toxic disagreements came from these value differences. This has hit me very strongly. I definitely needed this today. Tinkerbell Yep, you and he need to have a serious talk. I am still pissed at Mr. Same with my current kinda, sorta friend. Hate to tell you, but this sort of thing must be pretty prevalent among older men; was pondering the situation whilst reading your post and it occurred to me that this time round is the fourth time I have encountered this situation.
I write this long winded stupid scenario because if Noquay, who never did date much and bails right away on most on-line dudes due to red flags, is encountering this issue that often, it must be common and should you decide to date again, you will deal with this once more. Except for the ex, three of these men were on line, going out with women knowing damned well how the story ends. My dude and I had some version of the talk you need to have with Petey. This guy is worried about my intending to leave seven years hence, had kind of criticised this before. This was met with a long silence.
Good luck Tinks, take care of yourself. I thought 3 marriages was at least an amber flag. I resented the fact that he got me so attached when he should have known he would not be able to perform. I wish the hell you had experimented and found out with someone else before you came after me. I do agree it would be a weird friendship for both of us. I really mean it. I have been through so much HELL in my life not only with men, but I could have died or been left an amputee from 3 years of MRSA thru and husband died in I just want to be happy, and be at peace.
Thanks for the pep talk, Noquay. I appreciate the truth. Hello, I am having a very difficult time keeping the no contact. I texted him for my belongings last week not many that I have there but asked for them. He reply was I will check. I have not heard since. I also believe he is entertaining a relocation for his work one I was not included in among the most simple events that I was excluded from. I am anguishing what if he leaves town and just mails my belongings that would be so cold, what if he leaves town and I never hear from him.
He has been hurtful in the past but at one time we were an exclusive couple. We were together for 2 years. How could I have a Happy Birthday when the giver of the card just broke my heart. Help…should I ask again or let it go? Thank you. Why did you break up with him? If its as bad as I think, I have to question why you want more of the same.
In fact, considering your feel. To continue from my last post:. Considering your strong feelings for him, it may be in your best interest for him to mail your property to you. Make up, toothbrush, things of that sort are not worth making an issue over. But, shoes and clothing are. I know how hard it is. Tinkerbell, Rosie, Allison and M Thank you each for your help and responses.
I am only hurting myself. My belongings were there and he knew they were so he either discarded them or is playing some game with me and God only knows what that game is. Hope you are doing well. Sorry Lisa about what happened. Let go, but he will get in touch again. I would if you went NC. Reading your stories,ladies, makes me sad. Yes, we men are often the way you describe.
Ah, when you write about emotional abuse I can see so many mistakes we make without realizing what is going on before it is too late. Sadly most men I know including myself fit many criteria. There is something to it I think. I know you will say that is BS and you want a nice guy in your life. Yet, somehow I hear stories over and over again which are the same. I hear men talk about women and it fits the descriptions of toxicity, red flags galore. I know a few good men that have nice families and relationships, they exist.
Yet, there are so many who could be nice today and in few years turn completely different. Reading some psychological research about evolutionary mechanisms it seems that humans are programmed to have hormonal drive that makes them fall in love to have offsprings. Then the drive diminishes so that we can focus on raising children and having a family. Family gets in the way of that. In the past people did not expect as much form their personal life, so they focused on their families and did not even know about emotional abuse in most cases.
Women had no idea what they could achieve by themselves. These are just my thoughts, I think a lot about what is happening. I do want so much to have a mutually-fulfilling relationship and make my woman happy, but somehow I managed to lose the few women who loved me. Many men don;t even want to think about these things. And these are the men you are learning to spot and avoid here. Natalie says there are good men out there, just keep looking. I guess she is right, some do learn, or perhaps the EUM somebody dumped would be a perfect life mate for you.
Please excuse my ranting here. I do wish for women to be happy and men to know how to be there for them. That is my biggest wish besides world peace. Thank you for posting this. We are BOTH good people and yet, life, issues, all kinds of crap gets in the way. Best wishes. Independent older chix like me look for fitness, intellect, not so much a provider as a companion who shares values. I get peeved at how solicitous women become when a man posts. How can you be sure it is a man. Simple as that. In my one good mutual relationship, there were some minor issues.
Like me always cooking and him never taking me out or bringing groceries. He started bringing groceries occasionally and asking if I needed anything. I was not poor and I had a good job. It was the taking advantage that I wanted to nip. With the same guy, early on he had a habit of extolling the beauty of other women he knew. I told him I did not like hearing about how pretty his acquaintances were and would he stop. He did it once more. I ended that date by saying I was a little tired.
To him, I was valuable and he did not want to lose me. Looking back, I realize I was his young trophy girlfriend. I even broke AC out of a few bad habits with me, like teaching him not to stand me up and teaching him to give me a couple of days advance notice when he wanted to come by. Not by shouting and demanding, but by taking away the toys — meaning me — when he acted badly. Of course, in true AC manner he hit reset several times, and since I really was not looking to end things, after about 2 weeks I responded, and from then on, he never stood me up.
On a couple of occasions when he felt he could not make it, he called well before the scheduled time. So even ACs will modify behavior when it suits them. My point is, men change their behavior when they want to. They may play into the emotional and mental drama that we create in our minds, they will future fake if they see that will placate, but bottom line is, if it was important to them to change, they would. She deals with many topics…not just romance.
The Sabarimala controversy hides a much deeper problem: untouchability
In an older post, I mentioned the lazy contact I made with AC a few weeks back. Well, that spurred a short frenzy of return lazy contact from him. I feel no sadness, no glee…. I read them, they said nothing. I let them sit in the mailbox for a couple of days, and then, I deleted them completely. There were times in the 3 years with AC that I wondered out loud if he was as bored about his life as I was…is that why we are engaging with each other?
Thanks for the book. Yes, as we age we need to concentrate on down-to-earth, mature love, not romantic love which tends to contain a lot of fantasies. I, believe reinforcement is so important as the aged tend to forget— LOL! When they want to change to keep you they will try to do just that. But, you know what? I am putting realism ahead of romance.
I want to be where you are sooooo badly. My boyfriend broke up with me about 6 weeks ago. At the risk of repeating what most of you have all gone through- I just cannot imagine what he thinks he will find out there better than me. For him, specifically. Far enough from the divorces to be ready in theory to love again.
But we did and I did. And he is the one who drove this relationship at the pace it went- he is the one who pursued me more than me him. But issues re-surfaced for him- fear, etc. We talked about going to counselling together, then he flipflopped. How often does someone so good for you come into your life? Who is willing to wait while you get your shit together and work on it with you?? You choose someone you love being with despite their imperfections which you decide ahead of time you can work with or accept and then you go to work- together- to keep it good and improve it.
This one is. My emails and gentle contact after he called things off made him sit up and take notice. They made him cry and open up to me. But that is not what has worked so far with him. What if he forgets about me? What if the thing he really wants is for me to keep showing up and not running away like everyone else has? I have lost my appetite unheard of for me and can barely work.
Only they can convince themselves. Your emails to him show that you want to control his decision whilst your fear that he will forget you is a gut indication to yourself that you already know that you have no such control in reality. When someone tells us they want space and asks for no contact we have to respect that.
Yes, it can be painful. Because he will never have both feet in it if he comes back on the basis of your convincing. He knows it and you know it. You are also displaying the natural reactions that go with this. What more does he have to tell you? It means NC. And NC is the best course you can take. Leave him to his demons, and put your focus on dealing with the abandonment you are going through. Thank you all for being so kind in reaching out to me.
It just keeps defying reason to me. Jaime, he fast-forwarded and future-faked you for the short-term gains he needed at the time. Natalie has them all pegged so precisely. But for your own sanity, go NC!
He knows how you feel. If you can do it I recommend a month of nc, it will clarify how you both feel. And at least it will stop you chasing him. Yes, a few times men came back after breaking up with me. They are capable of calling you to meet you or even dropping by. And then read the comments. There are some fabulous, smart, strong people who comment regularly here and you will gain a lot of insight from them. It points to, sorry to say, a lack of strong enough feelings for you to commit for the long haul.
UK: Do You Need a License to Sail a Boat?
What he does about this will tell you a lot about his maturity and character. What more can you do? So best of luck and let us know what happens! Thanks Wiser. And it grew our relationship- it feels like the biggest bad joke in the universe for me to have done that and have things turn out like this- exactly reinforcing my old fears. I took a huge risk in putting forth the effort after he broke up with me, and it seemed to pay off. Do I stop doing what was working just because he asked for space? But, I took some time out. I was very heavily invested in this man and because I felt that I was not getting enough from him I took a break for my own mental health.
BUT he initiated the reunion. There was nothing I could do to change him. Leaving him alone for awhile was, apparently, the best thing to do. During the break, I reevaluated what I absolutely needed from him and what he was able to give. Now, I am much older than you and at the stage in my life where, having had quite an active sex life as a younger woman my needs are now changed from what they were then. I value caring, devotion, sincerity, trust, reliability, consideration and affection much more than a passionate love affair.
With him, I needed to decide what was most important to me. I knew he loved me but I wanted him to be passionately in love which was asking the impossible since he was dealing with this newly discovered problem. After about 2 weeks, we are back together, now. He DOES love me. Our friendship and mutual appreciation of each other means more to me than anything because we deeply ENJOY each other. Control Panels — servers can be complicated to manage which is why sysadmins get paid lots of money, however most web hosts these days offer web based control panels which make the whole process much simpler.
With a good panel you rarely, if ever, have to deal with the command line and logging in with SSH or anything techy like that. Operating Systems — hosts offer servers with a range of operating systems but for the most part there are two main offerings: Linux and Windows. It can be somewhat confusing with all the strange variations but my advice would be this: for hosting your website you should choose Linux and preferably the latest version of Centos currently v6 or perhaps Ubuntu Server.
Once you have chosen a server or hosting you will need to configure it and install any software you require. Mainly you just need to make sure you have Apache the http web server software so that web pages will be displayed, MySQL which is a database server software widely used for web sites and applications including WordPress and PHP which is simply a programming language that many such web applications are developed in — you do not need to know any PHP, just that it is installed.
One of the fundamental components of an internet marketing business is the blog. A blog short for web log is simply a web site where you publish articles, traditionally as a form of diary online. Such articles are generally displayed in chronological order with the newest article showing at the top although that can be changed and in many cases the date is not shown at all so there is no indication of when an entry or article was posted.
Blogs are very simple to create and manage these days thanks to the existence of free platforms and software such as WordPress. While you do not actually need a blog since you can just build a site using static HTML web pages, or even a fully dynamic database driven site if you know how, using a blog system such as WordPress makes it very easy to build and manage a web site without having to worry about the technical stuff that makes it all work. Probably the most popular blog software sometimes also referred to as a CMS in use today is WordPress which is offered both as free software you can install on your own server or site hosting, and also as a web based service again free which requires no installation — you just fill in a form and click a button to get your very own wordpress blog online and ready to use.
Once you have your wordpress blog installed you then choose a theme how it looks from the many which are available free or for a small fee, or you can get a custom theme made by a designer. You can also install a number of plugins which extend wordpress by adding new functions such as better search engine optimization, integration with social sites Twitter, Facebook etc and countless other handy features.
All of this can be done through the WordPress admin panel — no messing around with the command line, just a nice simple point and click through the panel. This is the beauty of a powerful CMS such as WordPress which has been around for long enough to mature and become what it is today — once installed it is trivial to manage your entire site, even multiple sites, everything from changing the design to adding new content and even updating wordpress itself is done through the web panel.
After all, the purpose of a website or blog is for you to place your great content online so you can make money — not to waste your time with technical trivialities. This is basically the language of the web, Hyper Text Markup Language. It is a very simple language used to construct web pages and the links between them.
The ship building process, which is part of the UK-Australian agreement, was identified in one article as follows:. In my discussions in Australia, there is a clear focus upon building a state of the art facility along these lines with regard to the submarine program as well. This means that the Aussies are not simply looking to see the French transfer current manufacturing technologies to build the new submarine, to co-innovate in shaping new and innovative approaches.
By looking at Asian innovations in shipbuilding, the Aussies would like to see some of those innovations built into their manufacturing processes in their new manufacturing facility. They want modern manufacturing processes, which they anticipate with the new frigate and have seen with regard to P-8, Triton and F, all programs in which they are a key stakeholder. The question is can the cultural dynamics of France working with Australia, an Australian with these expectations, be managed to deliver the kind of long term, cross-learning partnership which Australia seeks in this program?
There are clearly key challenges of cross-culture learning and trust to be sorted out to be able to make this partnership work. Here the question is not of a one off design, and then build with the Aussie workforce operating similarly to the Indian workforce in the process of a build as was done by DCNS with India. If one looks at the frigate contract, at the core of that contract is BAE Systems not simply transferring technology to an existing company in Australia which would then take over the task and execute it, the model is quite different.
The process of the build will see a new entity being created within Australia capable at the end of this process becoming the kind of manufacturing center of excellence which can master maintainability and upgradeability of the new platform for the next phases of the life of that platform. Its shipyard in the Adelaide suburb of Osborne will be the hub once production starts in The Hunter class frigates are expected to enter service in the late s and will eventually replace the current Anzac class frigates, which have been in service since However, the UK Royal Navy is also buying the Type 26, the first two of which are currently under construction.
That fleet is not expected to be operational until , which has some questioning whether the Australian frigates will be delayed. At the end of the building program Australia will resume complete ownership of ASC Shipbuilding, meaning intellectual property of the Australian type 26 will be retained by the Commonwealth.
This agreement is now becoming the benchmark against any future agreement with France and Naval Group would be measured. And the UK is part of five eyes, which provides a relatively straightforward way to deal with security arrangements. According to an article by Jamie Smyth and Peggy Hollinger published by the Financial Times on June 28, , the importance of the broader working relationship with the UK was highlighted. Michael Shoebridge, an analyst with the Australian Strategic Policy Institute, said the decision by Canberra to choose BAE probably reflected some emotional and strategic factors, which went beyond the technical criteria in the tender.
The UK has embarked on a diplomatic charm offensive over the past 12 months in Australia, including visits by Boris Johnson, foreign secretary, and Michael Fallon, a former defence secretary. It has pledged to upgrade defence co-operation with Canberra and play a more prominent role in the Asia-Pacific, where China has begun to militarise islands in the contested waters of the South China Sea.